April is the Cruelest Month

I felt it. I feel it. It’s been a month that marks over a year in this pandemic. It’s the month where my cat was lost, my ankle sprained, my body aged, my health suffered, work was challenging, and my mental health spiraled. I am not okay. But I’m trying to get there.

I had a massage today, with a therapist I used to see almost regularly. She’s seeing clients again, during these ‘unprecedented times’ and I now have a job that allows for the flexibility of seeing her. The visit was so nourishing, and I can’t wait to continue with body work.

We spoke of politics, the pandemic, racism, and hate. She had perspective as a Chaldean woman, and she offered some real acceptance and love that she has for her fellow man, which I find myself often lacking. She told me that the day that I texted her she had found an email I sent her boss, almost ten years ago, talking about how wonderful she was. She is still wonderful. I feel better.

I’m finishing my course on the ways to be a better ally to Black people, and I learned from it, but I must admit, I knew a lot of it. Not because I’m so smart or woke or with it, but because some of it common sense. As I type this, I realize that this is only common sense for white people who try to decolonize their cultural intake, which is something that I’ve done and will continue to do. I know that I have privilege. I know that I have biases, both conscious and unconscious that I’m doing my best to face and to interrogate. I want to not be another victim of white fragility; I want to be uncomfortable.

I’ve always wanted to be open and to learn, and I am so grateful to the people who know and love me (or tolerate me) who let me ask questions, and do the labor of educating me. I’m sorry to those I’ve hurt with words and actions, and will continue to try to do better.

My goal for next month was to make seven small handmade gifts. I still want to do that, but I need to reinvigorate my relationship with running, first. So, arts and crafts will move to June, and May will be the month of running (or walking or jogging or some combination) for at least thirty minutes every day. This is also a great excuse to spend some quality time with streaming services on my treadmill.

Check out the creator of the course I took here. Check out two women who are changing the running community, and one who is changing the yoga world. Check out a podcast that is mainly comedy, but has taught me a lot. And finally, if you are inspired by my small acts of improvement, consider showing support by donating to First Descents.