Twenty three years ago I woke up and decided to quit drinking. This morning I woke to pre-dawn panic attacks, called in to work, and sat on the toilet as my bowels convulsed long enough to make my legs numb. On Thursday I had a session with my therapist and…

It’s 28° outside, and I just finished walking a dog, and I just completed 30 minutes outdoors for the day. It’s easy to cocoon in a Midwestern winter. I drive to work. I drive home. I eat, read, and sit in front of the fire. My father picks up the…

This is a blog about making small changes and self-improvements, and right now, that’s about boobs. As a toddler, seeing my aunt nurse my cousin, I would lift up my shirt and press my baby doll to my tiny nipples, for verisimilitude. My other cousin, seven years older than me…

In October I took care of my mental health. I cut and colored my hair. I started therapy. I upped my antidepressants. I started the process for new falsies. I took a break from yoga. I had some hard conversations. I ate more leafy greens. I sewed for my kid. I took the other kid, and myself, to the doctor, but it’s only a sinus infection. I planned for some races. I changed my work schedule for the new year.

I saw the therapist and it felt good. I saw my oncologist and, once again, my vitamin D is dangerously low. This causes exhaustion and depression. I made an appointment for the mastectomy garment store, to get some bras that make me feel good about myself again. I cooked dinner for my friends who are here. I made burgers and prepared a lot of delicious ways to dress them. I chopped vegetables. I took pride in the food.

I have an appointment with a new therapist, so that’s something. I called in to work today, so that’s another thing.

In August I tried to get ahold of my friend’s psychiatrist. I literally left a dozen messages. I asked if I could be called back to be put on a list. I asked if I could be called back to be told they weren’t accepting new clients. My friend intervened on my behalf in September and was told I didn’t have a voicemail set up (untrue) and to have me call them if I was still interested in their services. Finally, in late September, someone from their office left me a message.

September is over. I did yoga every day. I just did a yoga practice with my cousin in her Idaho rec room after a beautiful 27 mile bike ride through the Bitterroot mountains. I also did my Duolingo daily, and plan to continue it. My challenge for October is to guard my mental health, and to get in to see a new therapist and ultimately a psychiatrist for a medication adjustment. That’s a pretty good plan.

I want to make this a funny story but I’m not sure that I can. I have never been more anxious than I am, today, at this moment in time. Cancer made my anxiety unbearable. The pandemic has made it nearly murderous. My anxiety is going to kill me. Or…